The 80/20 rule in relationships is based on the premiss that, in a good relationship one can only achieve 80 percent of what you need or want out of the relationship. The rest is unattainable and can only be found in other partners. Which means our partners provide 80% while the other 20 is out there just wanting on us to fulfill our dreams and achieve ultimate happiness. Some people agree with this rule, some do not. The argument is that in any relationship it takes two to make it work, one cannot simply rely on the other to deliver that 80%.
But what if we apply this rule to SELF?
Turning this around the 80/20 rule can also apply it to the relationship you have with yourself! Yes, you can have a relationship with yourself without being admitted into an mental institution. I used to be so driven by the approval of others. If someone disliked me or thought my work was inadequate, it sent me into a down spiral. This may not have been physically noticeable because I would never admit to how much it affected me, but I was in mental anguish. Angry, frustrated at myself for NOT being good enough for their approval, be it a boss, partner, friend, parent(s).
But as I got older, maybe ‘older’ is not the correct word. But as I’ve matured and read more about how the mind works, it made me realize that we are so critical of ourselves and we shape our own opinions about who we are. In large part, we do our best to dress well, work hard, smile, be nice in order for people to like us and offer us compliments; this makes us feel good, boast our self esteem. And when they don’t, it makes us feel terrible. This is one reason why it’s very important to understand that someone’s view of you will be objective is unlikely. They will view you through the filter that benefits them , which is why it’s so important to have a great relationship with yourself.
Over time I realized that my life had become 80% of what people thought about me and 20% of what It thought about myself which in essence hinged on what others thought about me……..Hence the 80/20 rule.
-What is my relationship to myself??
– Do I bank my emotions on how others treat me or feel about me?
-What am I putting into this relationship with myself?
-How much time is spent making myself feel good, instead of relying on others?
It’s a fact, we all want to be liked, given compliments, or want to find that perfect love that can transform us from the person we are to the person we want to become. The thing is, that person is you! Your first relationship is with yourself; and your opinion of yourself can shape you into that you you want to become. In any relationship, too often we look on the outside for something that we already posses on the inside.
“Encourage yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself. Never doubt who you are.” ~Stephanie Lahart