“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”
I have always been able to keep my emotions in check, I dislike crying because it gives me a headache, I especially don’t like that sullen feeling of sadness because it bruises the soul and hangs like a dark cloud overhead. You don’t know if the rain of tears is going to flow to a trickle or if there’ll be a thunderstorm. Unless you can claw yourself free from its temporary state of despair, emotions can sometimes paralyze, trapping us in a vacuum of fear and doubt. I can honestly say that for me, they make no sense because our emotions never do what we want them to do. We try to suppress the tears but they come anyway. We try to suppress the love, grief, heartache but they still manage to express themselves even when you don’t want them to thus we are all slaves to our emotions.
This has not been an easy week, but there haven’t been many easy weeks since Cancer entered our lives back in February, it’s not the first time someone close to me has had to battle the disease but it still leaves me in a tailspin because it’s never easy seeing someone you love suffer through the treatments of the disease and dear I say, it’s not fair on either side. Not fair for the sufferer or the family having to watch it all unfold. This time it really feels like the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back. Most days it’s a struggle to keep my emotions in check as it has become an uphill battle of trying to maintain a work/ life balance and trying to keep up the appearances that all is well while my emotions are boiling just underneath trying to claw themselves out. What I’ve learned in these past few months is that even if you know what to do to keep yourself going, there are moments when the mind and body become so overwhelmed that everything we know that’s good for us, go out the window then everything starts to shut down and our emotions take over. A few times I’ve found myself overflowing in joy, gratitude, sorrow, sadness, love, fear, anger during the most inconvenient! Bu through it all I’m grateful.
Why do we need emotions that leaves us so vulnerable and raw? I come to the harsh reality that our emotions may not always make sense but they’re necessary and that they help us in ways we don’t always understand. They help us to survive by forcing us to take action in situations that would otherwise pose a danger to our well-being. Emotions also work to help us understand those around us and help them understand us. They can’t be reasoned with, they won’t submit to logic and they our emotions are what makes us human, all we can do it rationalise our situation and determined the best response for the situation or situations we’re faced with.