I keep my blogs as neutral as possible. Never swaying one way or another, just keeping it open to all mindsets. A lot of what I write comes from experience and inner expressions. This past year and a half, I’ve had some experiences of life, like all of you, I’ve experienced the impact of a global pandemic. But the past few months, I’ve experienced the impact cancer can have on, not only its victim but their family as well. Many times it’s the patient that received the care and attention, with the family being left out. Taking stock of my own well-being and emotional health, I’ve come to the realisation that women are always pushing themselves to do more, be more and be all to everyone. More so for Black women or women of colour as we’re expected to go that extra mile. History had shown us that there is a popular misconception that we are stronger, both physically and mentally, that we can handle anything thrown at us. What’s so unfortunate about this is, this has given many of us a false sense of being Superhuman because many have bought into this misconception. I myself included! It would be hypocritical of me to say that I have not bought into the be-all, do more, be everything to everyone mindset.
He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. – Epictetus
In a life full of chaos living in perpetual gratitude can be difficult but life can humble the noblest soul, it can strip us of our pride and has a way of bringing us to our knees, forcing us to be grateful for what we have instead of worrying over what we don’t have.
Five months ago, we didn’t know where we would be. No one wants a Cancer diagnosis and it was the last thing any of us expected when my husband went in for his medical review that had been postponed due to Covid. In the midst of all the uncertainties, months of gruelling Chemo, and now what surgeons called a complicated surgery, gratitude has never been more prevalent in my life as it is right now, for the first time in a very, very long time, perpetual gratitude seems to be within reach. They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. In this instance, when life tossed me lemons, I tossed them right back, with a few complementary choice words.
“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ~Oscar Wilde
I have always been able to keep my emotions in check, I dislike crying because it gives me a headache, I especially don’t like that sullen feeling of sadness because it bruises the soul and hangs like a dark cloud overhead. You don’t know if the rain of tears is going to flow to a trickle or if there’ll be a thunderstorm. Unless you can claw yourself free from its temporary state of despair, emotions can sometimes paralyze, trapping us in a vacuum of fear and doubt. I can honestly say that for me, they make no sense because our emotions never do what we want them to do. We try to suppress the tears but they come anyway. We try to suppress the love, grief, heartache but they still manage to express themselves even when you don’t want them to thus we are all slaves to our emotions.
This has not been an easy week, but there haven’t been many easy weeks since Cancer entered our lives back in February, it’s not the first time someone close to me has had to battle the disease but it still leaves me in a tailspin because it’s never easy seeing someone you love suffer through the treatments of the disease and dear I say, it’s not fair on either side. Not fair for the sufferer or the family having to watch it all unfold. This time it really feels like the straw that’s breaking the camel’s back. Most days it’s a struggle to keep my emotions in check as it has become an uphill battle of trying to maintain a work/ life balance and trying to keep up the appearances that all is well while my emotions are boiling just underneath trying to claw themselves out. What I’ve learned in these past few months is that even if you know what to do to keep yourself going, there are moments when the mind and body become so overwhelmed that everything we know that’s good for us, go out the window then everything starts to shut down and our emotions take over. A few times I’ve found myself overflowing in joy, gratitude, sorrow, sadness, love, fear, anger during the most inconvenient! Bu through it all I’m grateful.
Why do we need emotions that leaves us so vulnerable and raw? I come to the harsh reality that our emotions may not always make sense but they’re necessary and that they help us in ways we don’t always understand. They help us to survive by forcing us to take action in situations that would otherwise pose a danger to our well-being. Emotions also work to help us understand those around us and help them understand us. They can’t be reasoned with, they won’t submit to logic and they our emotions are what makes us human, all we can do it rationalise our situation and determined the best response for the situation or situations we’re faced with.
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The past few years have been rough, I’ve found myself in another storm. A storm like all other, testing my faith and strength. One that has also made me question my own sanity and this year’s indeed the most challenging and nothing before has prepared me for the journey ahead. So I’m just riding each wave as it comes. I know I’m not unique in my circumstance but my reaction is, there is not a single soul on this planet that has not or will not go through some storm(s) that will make them question their existence. We are all pupils of life and what happens on that journey, how well we weather the storms in our lives depends on how well we’ve adjusted our sails. Most days I still find myself riding the waves of uncertainty but I adjust my sails accordingly because I know in the end my faith will continue to keep me strong, my family will continue to keep me grounded and hope will keep me going!
When you expect nothing from the world – not the light of the sun, the wet of water, nor the air to breathe – everything is a wonder and every moment a gift.” ~Michael J. Sullivan
The past few months have been one roller coaster ride after another, with each hurdle going higher and higher and the road seems endless.
Ride one began a few months ago we got a notice from the landlord that he was selling the property we’ve called home for the past gives yeses. At the time I went through the motions of trying to figure where to do next. Five years ago we found ourself in the same position, stick in Belgium trying to find a place in Scotland. It wasn’t easy then and though we’re here and have a bit more knowledge of the place, home hunting is still no easier than it was five years ago. In fact it even more difficult. We have looked at several places but now were suitable to our needs, I think, if you’re going to spend God, knows how long In a place you should at least have the minimum of comfort while you are there. The property we’re in now has grown on us but we’ve outgrown the space, so looking on the bright side. The Landlord’s decision to sell could probably be the Universe’s way of saying it is time to move on.
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